Confess

How about we stop with the lies? No more pretending, no more bullshit. The world is as it is, no matter how you try to spin it. Do you think you can get away from the truth by running? The truth is everywhere, and it watches with a harsh eye. Once you see God, he never stops seeing you. Forever, you are seen. No more can you live in darkness, away from the light you chose to put aside, the good life that you saw as nothing special. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about how you of all people should have no complaints. Seeing you like this makes me think, “What’s the point? Why try at all, if heaven is hell?” And then, just now, it clicked for me. It really clicked for me, after all this time: you will never be happy. Never. You always have a reason to say that you are being held back, if not by me then by the world or the demons. The thing is, you never learned the basic fact that if nothing is ever your fault, then nothing is ever your merit. The sword has two edges, or none. You want it another way? Dream on.

There was no big revelation you needed. All it took was taking the train home, and playing the part of the prodigal son. Lower your head for once, and stop showing off the underside of your pale little chin. When was the last time you had someone give you a little tap? Is this what life is to you, a long sleepwalk and then the infinite abyss? Yet you also think you are immortal, invincible. No one should hurt you, therefore no one will. Middle school morality! You never grew up, even as you scorned the world for being juvenile and stupid and immature. The child wants to be king, and has no idea why the monarch wears a crown. Complete ignorance, and you revel in it. Put me in the cave? You stare at shadows of shadows of shadows, interpreting the faint ghosts of tea leaves. What happened to studying classics, or was that one checkbox on your list of credits to lord over others? Always smoke and mirrors with you, I swear. All to escape the simple truth that you have not grown, that you will never grow as you are, that one day you will fall out of your tower and crack your thick skull like a walnut on the rocky shores, returned to the place whence all walking life emerged. The sea, the teeming soup of pain and pain and pain.

I say all this, and let it shine on me. I am no better, and never shall I claim to be your better. I am a fellow on a narrow road, and at the crossroad up ahead I walk the way you say will lead to nothing. For now, we walk and maybe start to talk. The many things we left unsaid can rest, but maybe we can find a newer thread to pull awhile ere the coming end. Can we have peace, for just a glint and sliver? The time for hate and death is infinite. For now, our love and life can be respected.

Is anyone the wiser of us two? Can it not be that we are fucking stupid, dense beyond salvation, shit for brains? We are fat and ugly, as we will be at our end. The land of dreams and dreams will feed us well, so let us feast together merrily.