Violet

Simple as the word pretends to be, “love” cannot account
for how I came to my decision. I was set, and knew the way.

Cleaning my room in preparation, the evidence for any
of my life was missing from its cracks and corners, its
strange purified smell that seeped in my nose and stayed
even when I was on the path I chose to take. Poetry
rang in my ears on the walk, carefree in my enjoyment of
the night that fell as I was contemplating what to work on next.

Whoever came to see me at the corner, friend or foe, ought
be welcomed with a kiss of holy charity. I have no
enemy, for I am saved. The power of the Lord gave me
heart, the angel of victory over death. No use to live in dark,
when light is come to cleanse all sin. Might is the man
that hangs from a tree in worldly disgrace, bleeding silent
pouring out salvation from his veins and pain, staying in man
through man, keeping to his vow even as I stepped into a dep
and bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time since
third year of university, when I was in love with the gay dude's girlfriend.

He broke up with her, and found a younger man. I
listened to her talk about her rebound, the handsome
native to the city, and consummated my desire by getting
her to buy me a sandwich one time (on her student meal plan
as she was living in an expensive residence), then eating it in
front of her so she knew how much I enjoyed it, then
went home and secretly considered us even. A light
meal, in exchange for swallowing my feelings. Seven years
after I last spoke to her, before she went back to New
England, I took her to the Old Port of Montreal, a half-
hour walk blending sidewalk to cobblestone. She broke up
with Fabian—fabulous name—the week before, and looked
as stunning as the cute cashier standing by the taquitos,
tending to them like a mother tucking in her litter.

The sight of her distracted me enough to let the last
memory of Maya go back into the recess of my mind,
to be retrieved at another time in my life, not on the
night I chose to run away forever, and choose another name.